Thursday, November 2, 2017
“Just one word, Father! One word. That is all I need–all it would take. Lord, I believe!Please just come through for me!”
I wait for my train with tears streaming down my cheeks. I really don’t care who sees anymore. None of it seems to matter– these people will never see me again, and I’m so tired of trying to hold it all together.
Someone asks if I’m okay.
“I’m fine,” I mumble. But I’m not. God is silent and I’m begging for just one word. One vibration of the phone to have an answer.
The cell phone rings but it’s not the number I want to see. We can’t wait for an answer any longer the doctor says, we have to cancel the test for tomorrow. That big medical test you have to have–the one you have been trying to have for the last 8 month, the one that has repeatedly been cancelled and rescheduled, the one that is standing between you and getting better–we have to cancel it again.
My train comes to a stop at Coney Island and I rush to the boardwalk, the beach, and finally the water. I can breathe again. Something about being at the water helps.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do.
What now? WHAT NOW, GOD?! I finally thought this was it. I’ve waited so long…will none of this ever end? All it would have taken was one little word from you, and oh, how I would have praised You! You would have come through for me in the nick of time and I would have a great big story of how you worked a miracle at the last minute.
But You didn’t. You chose to remain silent. So much ache, so much hurt and so many seemingly pointless stabs to my heart over the past year, and now this…why couldn’t you have just done this one little thing for me? The humanness of my heart cries and my finite eyes have a limited view.
I look back over my past year and wonder what it was all for. I’m basically at the same place. I’m sick and I was supposed to be better by now. I question and I cry and I want to scream.
The minutes pass as I walk along the beach and eventually I head to the train to take me back to my crooked little Brooklyn apartment. I didn’t hear the answer I wanted. But it is not the end of my story, and I dry my eyes and somehow I KNOW. I know it’s still going to be okay. I know that I will wake up tomorrow and He will still be God, His calling is sure, and He will show me the next step. He is the God who sees; He is the God who hears, and my tears and cries are not lost to Him. He will act when the time is right.
Because He is God and He is good.
And I was wrong. I thought I was at the same place as last year, but I realize I was wrong. I am not the same person I was last year. Through all the silence, the questions, waiting, and aching, I am not the same. My roots have run deeper and I am more sure of all that I know to be true. Maybe this was really for me after all and God is working a deeper work in me than I ever could have imagined.
So I dry my eyes and I walk home. I buy some ice cream and call my dad and we talk about what God is doing and how I’m going to be okay. My heart is calm once again because God is good even when He is silent, and even if I have to keep waiting, the story isn’t over.
And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you; for the LORD is a God of judgment; blessed are all they that wait for him.
December 31, 2017
I’m not going to lie, 2017 was a rough year, and this little blog hasn’t really been much of a priority in my attempts to keep my head above water. Looking back, however, I am continually amazed at the faithfulness of God. I’m so glad He’s the one writing my story and that all the delays have a reason behind them. Sometimes I can see the good, and other times the view is a little cloudy.
I’m so glad the events of that November day weren’t the end of the story, and God has been continually showing me the next step. I love to plan and am the kind of person who likes to have my life sorted out several years in advance, but am learning that God wants to guide me day by day and not by months or years. He gives grace and guidance for the moment.
I honestly don’t know what the next year will hold for me, but I’m trying to just keep taking the next steps. On January 11, Lord willing, I will be checking myself into the National Institute of Health Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland for a week of extensive testing. From there I hope to be able to have a surgery to remove a tumor from my pituitary gland. If the surgery is successful, my health should drastically improve, and I am optimistic about the prospects for the future. However, I know there are no guarantees and I’m trying to hold plans and dreams loosely.
I don’t understand all the delays, and I still question and wish things could have been different but I know God is moving and working, and if in the waiting He is more glorified, then it will all be worth it in the end.
Here’s to a wonderful new year filled with unexpected adventures and glimpses of God!