Silence: Seeking God in the Grey

 

 

Early morning hours…the world is quiet. I’ve always loved this time of day with Jesus, coffee and my journal. Through the years I’ve found that I would just rather get up super early and have my devotions before the distractions of the day start, and I’ve treasured and drawn strength from those times.

Aloneness–the moments of peace and beauty before the responsibilities of the day start and I have to actually relate to people. Silence–where I can be still with my own thoughts and not have to talk to anyone. (Yes, I just might be an introvert…)

 

But then the darkness started coming, and waking up wasn’t something I looked forward to anymore. Sometimes it would hit randomly, I’d be fine one minute and the next would be that sinking feeling in my stomach and a wave of hopeless grey. The thought of waking up to silence started to scare me because I knew that in the silence was a grey cloud and I just didn’t want to go there. If I could keep moving fast, keep my mind occupied, maybe I could handle it and the grey wouldn’t come.

 

Don’t think about things below the surface. Instead of praying and dwelling on Scripture it was just easier to fill the space with “happy” things. No silence. Turn on my audiobooks as I work around the house. No silence. Mindless things so I wouldn’t have to think about anything at all because if you think too deeply the grey comes back. I just want to be happy and not go to those deep, scary and painful places. But when you don’t eat you lose your energy, and when you don’t go to the ultimate source of strength you become incredibly weak and ineffective

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we should walk around dwelling on heavy depressing things all day long, and sometimes you just need a mental and emotional break. But I do know that the less time we spend with Jesus, the more strength we loose and we will soon find ourselves completely depleted. I think the devil knew just where he could hit me. Looking back it makes me mad because I know that he was taking something I used to treasure and making it into something I dreaded. That’s the way he operates…

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We think that skipping our devotions isn’t a big deal. We fill our minds and ears with noise. Sometimes it is innocent, but I think we often don’t realize how incredibly vital and absolutely necessary those moments in silence with Jesus are. I’m realizing more and more the power and strength that we draw just from sitting in His presence and reading His word. We need it. We MUST have it if we are going to survive. We MUST pray. We MUST be in His presence, or we will have no power to face the battle we are in. It may seem easier to avoid the quiet, but it is in that communion and practice of His presence that we receive our strength and power.

I have been learning so much about the power of prayer. When people pray, things HAPPEN. Guys, they really do! But we have to DO IT. We have to go there and do the hard work. We have to have the discipline to come to the silence and be in His presence or—bottom line—we will be weak. Sometimes it’s just scary, but He will take us through those dark places. And He’s going to do awesome things.

 

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