“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on…when in your heart you begin to understand…there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend…some hurts that go to deep…that have taken hold.” –Frodo
The last few days have left me feeling rather melancholic. The past, present, and future all seem to be running together in streams of different colors that are blending into something that just leaves my heart with an inexplicable ache and tears that randomly seem to come with the memories of times, things, and people that have slipped away.
Israel. Oh, my dear country…has it really been four months? So much has happened for you and for me. So much blood and so many tears. Did it actually ever happen? Was that really my life? Did I really get to live that? Now I have nothing but memories that make my heart ache…maybe someday I’ll go back. But it will never be the same…
Walking my streets, IDF green on every street corner, hop on a bus to ride to University, Cofizz, listening to the Koreans sing on Ben Yehuda every Saturday night, Independence day with Israeli flags and giant inflatable hammers, concerts in the Old City, playing at Zion Gate, orchestra rehearsal, Sunday evening meeting with my dear people, Friday night shabbat meals with University friends, stargazing in the Negev, the Shuk…
People…lives that brushed up against mine. Just a short moment and are they gone forever? Did it matter? Going to the Kotel and pressing my prayer into a crack in the wall. It’s gone now I’m sure, replaced with the cry of someone else. Sometimes I still get this sharp pain in my heart when I remember. Sometimes I still wonder why and almost find myself looking over my shoulder and, for some reason, the tears come. Will it ever not hurt to remember?
Blue doors and white stone. Desert and dust. The beautiful green Galilee. The sea. I think I could have made a life there. Will I ever get the chance to find out.
But I’m here now. New York.
I KNOW I’m supposed to be here right now. The night I left Jerusalem, as I walked Ben Yehuda that last time and a dear friend spoke words of blessing over me, I KNEW God was saying it was time to go. It was okay to go. It’s time for the next thing, but sometimes the letting go is a process that hurts more when the newness of the “new thing” starts to wear off and reality of life sets in.
Now what is life supposed to look like? I have to start all over, and it’s just not the same. It won’t be, it can’t be, and that’s okay. I need to be okay with that.
It can be beautiful here. New York City in the fall. Sometimes when I walk home I get to see the light fall on the orange/green trees, and I get to crunch leaves on the sidewalk of my street, and my heart rests in the beauty of it.
I climb up the crooked stairs to my little apartment that is starting to feel like home with my piano and my books and coffee pot. I can sit and dream and pray about all the possibilities there are for this place-for this city. I can peak out the window from my loft bed to spy on all the neighbors. I don’t know where I’ll be in ten years, but right now this is right.
“The Road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, pursuing it with eager feat, until it join some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.”–JRR Toilken
Bittersweet. But I think that’s okay, right? Do we always have to force ourselves to feel happy. Is it okay to just admit sometimes that good-byes and loss hurt. To just tell Jesus that your sad and you just want Him to sit with you and let you mourn the bittersweet for a little while? I think sometimes tears can be good. Pain means your alive. If it hurts then it was real and it meant something.
“I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” –JRR Toilken
Oh, the paradox of pain and joy. Past and present move into each other so quickly. The start of something new often means the loss or death of something else…bittersweet.
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps the greater.”–Lord of the Rings