Have you ever had one of those weeks? One of those weeks where you feel restless, weary, unfocused, and you just want to sit and have a giant pity party for yourself. One of those weeks where the little things seem big, so much seems like a struggle, and even the little frustrations bring the “why’s” back to my mind. Although I am convinced of His faithfulness, I want to shake my fist and question God. I am tired, but this time I don’t even feel like trying anymore. I ask myself if I even care. But deep down I know I do.
Why is everything so hard? Why is everything such a battle for me? Why is it that I have to fight and scrape for everything while other people can waltz onto the scene and do ten times better with half the effort? Why do I have to practice and study for hours and still not conquer a piece or subject while others slide by perfectly with hardly a second thought? Why have you chosen these specific struggles for me, God? Why can’t something just be EASY for once? And what is even the point? Why do I even try. Am I the only one who ever feels like this?
Lies. I know these are lies and I must choose not to dwell on them, but sometimes it seems easier to feel sorry for yourself instead of spending the effort to find the truth they are obscuring. Because truth can be hard to find–especially when it is obscured by experiences, and events you feel you have had no control over. Obscured by an enemy that wants to distract you from the battle. Funny how these times often come after a beautiful work of God…I think that should tell us something.
So often I have wished that God would let us choose the things we struggle with–the thorns in the flesh that we are given. But unfortunately, this is not to be, and I don’t think it would be as good as we think anyways. Funny how so many problems in life come from comparisons. There is a popular quote I have seen floating around that basically says what makes us dissatisfied with our lives is the picture in our head of how we think it should be. Instead of keeping our eyes firmly focused on Jesus and finding our fullness and completion in Him, and what we have IN HIM, we depend on our own performance and how we measure up in the eyes of others.
Weakness. Struggle. Sometimes my own inadequacies frustrate me so much. Why have you made me weak, God? Why is everything that I have to do such a struggle for me? Why can’t I memorize music and Hebrew vocab like other people seem to do so easily? Why can everybody but me hear that minor 6th in Ear Training class, but I can’t no matter how much I try? Why can’t I eat like her and never have to worry about my weight? Why can’t something for once just be EASY?
And then in the middle of my pity party God ever so gently brings me back to remind me of some things.
“My strength is made perfect in weakness…”
Where is my focus? Is my desire for the world to see me, or God? Over the years of this continuing battle with questioning God about my weakness, I have had to come to the conclusion that if it were not for these struggles, I would probably take all the credit for anything I would do. I like to think that it is the weakest people that God can use the most, and this makes the struggle a little easier. I want to make His name great. Perhaps it is through my weaknesses that His name can get the most glory. I hope so.